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help......

2011-07-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

its been almost 2 years since i last blogged. oh well, im back right now. for my 2nd year in my degree had not been smooth. but i will give in all my effort to finish this course and , i will never give up for my future. my blog titled help . yes. help. why help....because at this very moment, i really really miss you. i think i nvr missed a person this much in my life. its been almost 2 years when you left, and its been this 2 years i have been missing you. no other girl seem to be as important as you to me. but what breaks my heart is that everything had been taking a path down recently. had not heard from you in this 6 months. wonder how are you and how have you been doing. wanted to contact you but my heavy heart is telling me not to do so. nvr felt so frustrated in my life. sometimes i would take a long drive in the lonely night , just to clear my mind. many times, i told myself to get over you but it didnt seem to be that way. my emotions had calmed down in this 2 years, but i still think of you a little every day and alot when i felt sad. i knw you may not know this but, i am a fool. yes. a fool for loving you. have you forgotten about me? perhaps its better for all of this to be forgotten and let it be a memory blown into the sea.....

FML....

2010-03-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

semester starts again....timetable's a mess...groupmates got saparated to different classes...i dunno whether to laugh or cry....but perhaps the most obvious change is that..............sighs..not gonna say it...at this moment, i feel like a fool....starting to sleep late at night and get up early in the morning....I fear i will lose all my feelings...perhaps...numbing your own feelings isnt the best way to solve your problems...im beginning to think that this silence in me isnt so bad after all.....until i look at my pathetic self in the mirror....and feel sad...somehow , i think the older i get...less happiness exists in me....many people said that i seldom smile...seldom go to friend's gatherings...whatever events....what has become of me? why do i let this feeling torture me again and again? i said i'll forget but, why do i always think of it? I cant feel happy...i cant be happy....maybe its best i bury myself inside my studies...i begin to feel that this sadness is etching deeper and deeper.....i'll pick myself up and move on....like a souless man walking down the streets...no aim in life, no confidence, no happiness, no goals.......just wandering around aimlessly...fuck you all who says that im a fool, stupid.....remember this, you arent in my shoes...so just shut the fuck up....

life goes on....

2010-02-17T20:23:00.000-08:00

she left yesterday...same time, i went for my supp exam...sat for my paper...but the image of her crosses my mind each time....the fact i tried to shake that feeling off, but i cant seem to...i knw i lost concentration...but i managed to answer all the ques...hoping to pass it...after exam, i felt much relived but when i took a walk around campus, those feelings came back again. i could see her walking with her frens, walking down the corridor...reality awoke me...she's gone...i couldnt bear to walk around much longer, i went home straight...i didnt eat breakfast , lunch, dinner yesterday....i didnt eat again today...i really dont have the appetite to eat...i felt helpless...couldnt do anything...but to sit there...stare at the wall...and think...i feel souless, thrs nothing in me...nothing at all...i tried very hard to suppress the feeling of breaking down..but i guessed i failed....went to the beach again....sat on the log watching sunset...looking at the sky, feel the cold wind blowing my hair...i didnt feel any better.... im tired..really really tired...the moment i opened my eyes today....i thought of her....i think i drank enough...even if i drink...i couldnt forget...the pain and sadness seem to double...tears will keep falling down and wake up the next day with headache...God, are you punishing me...or just testing me? i am weak, for i dont have the strength to face all this...Im sorry...really really sorry...I knw i am useless...perhaps, im too stubborn, dont wanna let go and insist of repairing the pieces of glass that had already broken...but i got myself hurt in the end....everything will change....for the better or for the worst? i do not know....I am still holding onto the rope....and wont let go....

Pain~...

2010-01-21T04:31:00.000-08:00

january 21...8.36pm...
i went downtown today...as i walked past a shop, i saw a snoopy dog holding a baseball bat...It reminds me of you again....i recalled my fren telling me, 'what is the point of buying it? you know it will never reach her? and when she's gone, how? if you buy it and it never goes to her, all you could do is only keep it...as time goes by, the more you stare at it, the sadder you get...if you havent buy it, better dont coz it will only pain yourself....' only then, i realised, i am unable to lie or cheat myself any longer...i told myself i could let go and forget, but i am unable...
my best brother told me to get over it...easy to say , difficult to do...as my heart pains again, its that very moment i feel that i cant even gasp for air...facing this feelings alone , and yet using a happy and smiling attitude to face ppl is really torturing...really hurts....sometimes, i wished that a group of ppl would just come and beat me up badly so that i would lost memory...i have no more mood for anything...i can only use time to pick up my pieces of heart....what fucking hurts me is that, i realised i was having feelings for her, but she had none for me....i knew this is the truth....i dont know what to do anymore...

Disappointment...

2010-01-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

I dont know how to express my feelings now. heartbroken, sad, disappointed. I finally asked you today. A 'no' was the answer given to me...I know its not your fault. maybe i was the one with too much feelings. now my heart really really hurts....its like a knife piercing through it...I couldn't stop the pain...damn wanted to cry but, i couldnt...no tears came out...I was unable to do anything...i dont know how long this pain is goin to last...i'll try to stand up again...i tried very hard not to think abt it, i cant...

If times stops...

2010-01-11T23:05:00.001-08:00

12.1.10.....its been a long time since i blog...mainly because i was too busy i think..
from today, leaves a total of 36 days before you leave. i really dunno wat to do...all i do is to think about you...didnt have much appetite to eat...slept late just to stay up and chat with you. although i cant see you, i still felt happy just by chatting. I did say out my true feelings but your reaction was just...like normal...but i think i could sense a little bit of happiness in you. i thought i didnt regret by saying it out before you leave, but i was wrong...this sadness still comes...i went to the beach last week just to scream my voice out. i threw stones into the sea as far as my strength could carry it...i freaking punch the sand repeatedly...until all the other people though i was mad...why is fate so cruel to me? fight fate, i told myself.....In the end, i could not, simply because i was a human...sometimes i just wanted sleep all day, because as long as i was awake, i would think about you...think about you gonna leave...my heart hurts like mad. i could not care less about other things and suddenly they dont seem so important anymore. how and why this happens? , i dont know...I will always remember the 1st time i saw you smile...a smile that is different than most of the others, a smile that is so natural...I never felt so helpless before in my life...i hate myself for being so weak...i let this sadness torture me, over and over and over again, until i had lost the willpower to resist it.the only thing i could do, is to wish you good luck and stay in happiness over there. campus is going to reopen soon...studies is going to begin soon...but maybe what memories remain here, was never meant to be...you will always remain in my memory...

so little time, yet so much to say....

2009-10-15T05:09:00.000-07:00

you are leaving soon...another month and i wont be seeing you again.......what more an i say?...why must this always happen?...its not easy to get this feel....and yet...you are going away....is it so difficult to like a person?...to the time i wanted to tell you..., my fren took a step ahead of me....i backed off and waited...and now, upon hearing you are going away...my heart is broken before it could even touch the ground....what is there to do anymore?....i wanna tell you...but my mouth seems heavy...I like you.....

Happy Hour...

2009-09-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday nite we went to celebrate andy's and kevin ung's B'day at secret recipe in parkson. our whole group was there....i followed sonny's car and we picked up teryne before heading thr....finding a parking spot in parkson basement was damn IMBA wtf....circled for 4 rounds before finding a parking spot...we only ate cakes at secret recipe since its buisness hour is almost coming to an end. we went to sing k shortly after that at X-palace...drank and sing all the way....finally left da place at 12am since thr's lab on the next day at 8am....i finally got home at 2am coz the FREAKING police had roadblocks on all entrances to senadin. we were damn scared the police will catch us drink driving so we decided to stop at sugarbun emart...sonny's bro came to drive the car back home since he's the only person who cud save our asses...let the pics tell you the story.....haha..enjoy...XD

chance...

2009-09-07T04:24:00.000-07:00

i have never really known you...but till 2day, i am seriously amaze that you continue to captivate my heart. the wound that exists in me slowly began to cure...
your smile continue mersmerise my heart...i could go into an easy sleep imagining your sweet smile...thr are alot more girls out thr, but i dunno why am i so into you...its kind of hard to explain, i felt a certain type of feeling whenever i saw you...i hadn't this feeling since a long time...i never know this feeling until now...its too late...as i am getting initiative to go after you, i found out something..i'm not a guy who likes to disturb other ppl's relationship. you could take my emoness away and light up my day with just a simple smile, but you could also bring it back to me...if i got rejected , i will have my heart broken again...its really hurting to only get to see you but unable to take any actions..my feelings are really tortured now...i could think of nothing but you...i have never feel so helpless before in my life...all i could ask for was a chance...maybe it was never given to me....

boring day~...

2009-08-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

tis is my new look..whatever it is, i'm not very satisfied with the hair colour..the hairdresser told me that i need to bleach my hair to get the color to be more obvious...hmm....maybe i will do it next time...

FeEliNgS....

2009-08-19T07:08:00.000-07:00

''You may love someone with all your heart but don't want to admit it to someone, so you hide it. You feel empty and longing but can't see why, even if the rest of the world can. Love isn't easy to give but you make it impossible by hiding it from yourself..''

this 100% is my attitude...i dunno wat to say....this may revert me back being emo again....most probably will....

''singing session''....

2009-08-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

ITs Lu ming singing......*claps*

wat song?

can u guess who is this??

george and teryne.

vincent singing...look so happy... @.@

last nite i went karaoke-ing wif some of my frens at season....start from 8.30 pm until 1.30 am...had a good time...hehe...

curtin buka cc baru....

2009-07-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

andy the sniper king...lol...kill ppl like kill chickens....

play counter strike until so high.....

this is just to show u guys what students do in curtin during thier free time....a lot of laughing, cursing and noises...so happy...hahaha...

holidays ending soon...

2009-07-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

My 1 month holiday is finally coming to an end. which means...no more sleeping until 11.30 am...no more online-ing until 2am...no more playing and fooling around...its time to get serious again..problem is, i don't feel like switching from holiday mode to serious mode...lol...but the situation is NOT giving me any choice...sighs..back to square one...i'm sure those exams papers and lecture notes are more than happy to see me...i hope this one month of holiday had changed my mind, my thinking....hopefully, i can let my past just be a past, and move on with a new beginning. sometimes, i just wished the chemistry that happens in you when you see 'someone', does not happen in me...too bad..i am just a human...i cannot change human nature...whenever you see tis 'someone' , you are totally focused on her...your surroundings becomes black and white...as she approches...your heart beats faster and faster...you wished that you would'nt be so akward and looked away just coz she walked past you. all you wanna do is to open your mouth and say hi and smile. things don't always work the way you wanted. a simple action and yet so difficult to take. as she walked past day after day, you would want to say hi to her..but you would just keep your cool and pretend nothing happens. convincing yourself of having chances to do it that you could do it another day or when the 'time' was right...until one day she was with another guy...what you gonna do ?? sit in a corner and lick ur wounds?? never give up without a fight?...there was a chinese quote that says, " i can accept failure , but i can never accept giving up..." if you didnt give any effort, how are you gonna expect things to turn out ? sometimes , i am really amazed with people's courage with this...they express their feelings...and the next day you see....a sweet couple holding hands...once a really close friend of mine said, 'if you really, really like her...tell her...don't let that chance slip by...or you might regret for the rest of your life. you cant sleep well , the food that you eat doesnt have any taste and the bath you take doesn't make you wet or any cleaner''.....sometimes i might think that, ''oh well, she's better off with him..he's a thousand times better than me....'' thats really running away from the truth...'tao bi shian she..' my fren wud say.............

STOP being a fool james, and concentrate on something else lah....

SaD , EmO, EvErYtHiNg In Me...

2009-07-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

A lOvE sToRy WitHoUt A hApPy EnDiNg DoEsn'T eXiSt In My LiFe...DoN't EvEr MeNtIoN hEr
NaMe In FroNt Of Me EvEr AgAiN...It PaInS mE hAvIng To DeAl wItH mY fEeLiNgS...PlEaSe, SoMeBoDy, UnBrEaK mY hEaRt...

It's been a long time.......

2009-07-05T06:16:00.002-07:00

A year, 3 months and 6 months has passed...I still think of her...I have tried and tried to forget about her...i eventually succeeded. But as i watched certain movies and listen to certain songs, she just drifted back to my mind...though i enjoyed being with her for a time...forgetting her was the hardest part that i could have to bear...my feelings are so tortured...i wanted very very much to cry...sometimes i just want to cry myself to sleep...why has such a happy memory turned to my most unforgettable sadness in my heart? i never really knew you, you were just another friend. but when i got to know you, i let my heart unbend. I couldn't help past memories, that would only make me cry. i had to forget my first love, and give love another try. so i've fallen in love with you, and i'll never let you go. I love you more than anyone , i just had to let you know. but you were not meant to be with me, i had to just learnt to let you go. and so it is true that feelings just live next to love..now that i have fallen for it, the poison is slowly killing me inside...the day you left me...ur image is still conserved in a special place in my heart...as i slowly learn to give you up, i just want to say...thank you for all the sweet memories...

sad day.....

2009-06-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

2day my emotion is highly unstable....i dunno wats the problem....i juz feel like it....maybe its becoz of the exam stress... so i went to basketball training hoping to relieve my mood...it did not work out...i displayed a damn careless and lousy performance...first time in my life my coach scold me in front other people...i felt very "bu shuang"....he told me in my face that my skills and performance was greatly decreasing....he told me to "fan sing" and train harder or go home....i went straight home without answering or looking at him....i dunno why i did that....i know i am not as good as him but at least i try to learn everything from him....should i keep training or juz stop it...i do not know as this is my field of great interest in sports...basketball has been my sweat and blood since i was 12 years old....it is my dominating battlefield....everytime a match starts....i give everything i got.......

WAR>>>>EXAMS.....hahaha...=)

2009-06-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

OMG..exams are coming....but what i anticipate is the days to freedom...5 more freaking days.....YES!!!!!....but wait...i still have to suffer 1st....lemme count...okay...chemistry down, eng maths down, c++ down and...i still have physics to revise for...damn....so frustrating...i DID not touch DOTA for about 2 weeks....T_T....really wanna play badly...looks like i have to wait for a FEWmoredays....ohwell,studyhardhard1st,THENPLAYHARDHARD!!!...YEAH!!!!!.....WOHOOO!!!!! (ps: i wrote this blog under exam stress....)

2009-06-07T05:40:00.001-07:00

1. Besides your lips , where is the favourite spot to get kissed ?
-erm...

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning ?
- very very lazy..=P

3. Who was the last person / people you took a photo with ?
-george, eileen, rachael, teryne.

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled?
- No.

5. Will you ever donate blood?
- no...dun belive in those needles...

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex ?
- Yes, of course..

7. Do you want someone to be dead ?
- no lah..

8. What does your last text message say ?
- dun wanna say lah..

9. What are you thinking right now ?
- Thinking of someone that I missed most!

1o. Do you want someone to be with you right now?
- Sure, especially the one I love.

11. What was the time you went to bed last night ?
- 1.35am

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now ?
- parkson.

13. Is someone on your mind right now ?
-definitely.

14. Who was the last person who text you ?
- kelvin liew.

.TEN Lucky Person to do this quiz...
1)arman
2)joaquina
3)Bird
4)keane
5)emandy
6)ping shi
7)vivian
8)shek li
9)michelle
10)ming chai

15. Who is no.2 having a relationship with ?
-dunno.

16. Is no.3 a male or a female?
- Male.

17.If no.7 and no.1 get together , would it be a good?
- no 7 has a bF already...i think so does no 1(GF).

18. What is no.1 studying about ?
- buisness management.

19. When was the last time you chatted with them ?
- 4 months ago (all of them)

20.Is no.4 single ?
- Erm... dunno

21. Say something about no.2 .
- girl that easily cries..

22. What do you think about no.3 & no.6 being together ?
- thy dun know each other.

23. Describe no.9 .
- my 'kan jie'....dry sister..haha..

24. What will you do if no.6 and no.7 fight ?
- wont de la...frenship too good dy.. if thy do...i will knock out both of thm and declare myself the ultimate...HAHAHAHA....XD

25. Do you like 8 ?
- erm..as a fren..

The TEN choosen people are invited to tag.
Its your priviledge..lol..
Do have fun ~!!!

smiles in the sky....

2009-05-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

And so, i was by my balcony....sitting on the edge observing the silent night...listening to a song called "bu hui fen li by guang liang". the wind blows softly and i was feeling relax till... memories of my old school life came back...but why is it so random...that was i question i could not answer myself...it has been almost two years since i graduated high school...maybe the experiences with my friends was just too...nice..i guess...i laughed like a fool as memories of me and my good friends having good times came flooding back to my mind....but now..they all have gone their respective ways to fulfil and chase their dreams...I could only do one thing....wish them all good luck and always be happy..i know that people will change, but i hope that our friendship will still stay strong...jia you people!!, whatever you guys are doing....Gambateh!

Rainy days....

2009-05-19T02:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes we let our affection go unspoken, sometimes we let our love go unexpressed,

sometimes we can't find the words to tell our feelings, especially towards those we love the most.

It hurts to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

Spiteful words hurts the feeling while silence breaks one's heart.

One of the hardest thing in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.........................

STOP!!!

2009-05-13T03:53:00.000-07:00

help!!!! was all i cud say tis month....almost every week we had EXAM, QUIZ, TUTORIAL WORKSHEET.....WORSe OF ALL, all of them costs MARKS....HELP!!!...its suffering...T_T.
AND ALSO an ESSAY to do.....WITH REFERENCING....really sienz......haiz....wat to do....except
to go on....wish i had taken commerce...ARGGHHH...!!!....

The sea...my inspiration...

2009-05-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

this view is simply amazing....

pretty...

nothing to say...emo-ing tat time

couple at beach...^^ so sweet....

breathtaking.....

I went to a beach last week....wanna take a break from all the stress and pressure from studying...brought my dog along...hahha....^^ as i looked at the waves of water.....i did a lot of deep thinking.....really answered some of my questions....all my personal life questions...hope it helped me....sunset at the beach was really beautiful....it kinda soothes my cofusing emotions...anger...jealousy...u name it...and finally....i went home at about 7pm...=)

An unhappy boy...

2009-04-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

sigh....recently....juz feeling quite miserable...really sad, unhappy, and miserable again....coz...i juz dunno how to explain it....sigh..i am beginning to feel tat i am no longer myself...i hate myself...for everything....for anything tat has to do with me....for every single thing i have done....sometimes i wonder why God did not pity me and let me take this kind of road...why? for something in the future...? i do not know.....i really do not know....I am all alone by myself...for every single beautiful thing i witness in life....turns out to be sadness in my heart...as i see pictures after pictures.....my heart is crying in its loudest voice in despair....sometimes i feel like ending everything....i dun want to be further tortured....i dun want to see ppl laughing at me....i do not live in pretendence.....i let them go on...i told myself...keep holding on....no matter what i do..i must go on....slowly painfullly, i grasp every single strain of energy to go on...but it seems to fail...i tell myself to look on the bright side....on positive aspects...and see nothing....for my parents , i feel so sorry to let you down....thanks for everything...from bringing me up to lettting me have such good education now...i know you have done ur very best...i do not blame you for having me to endure this kind of life....for my friends....if do not really like me...or you hate me...you can juz come and tell me in my face....i wont blame you...if you no longer want to be frens, then let it be....for in forcing will find no peace...for those who think that i am imperfect in everything compared to you....physical or anything...continue to laugh..i am juz a mere actor on stage trying to entertain you.....forget about me...i am juz an illusion in life....i dont exist....if you still do remember me...then juz take it as a dream...u have dreamt everything...i have sacrificed a lot in my own life....chance were thr and i did not take it...from the old kar lun to the new kar lun...pls end this torture god....your child cannot stand it anymore...i told myself i have change to the better...i cant cheat myself anymore...pls end this...

life goes on...

2009-03-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

IT lab

my class^^

new building

look like hospital

The 1st two weeks of school was.....great actually....well, big difference btwn uni and secondary school...now...1st of all...classes had bcum way too small...reduced to less than 20 ppl per class...actually , i feel kinda weird...coz still accustomed to big big classes...with all all the joy and happiness that existed...i'm not saying tat i dun like my class...its juz tat...kinda miss my old school...

And so....hurrying everyday to school at about 8am on a BICYCLE...i haven't got my driving license man....is quite tiring....my leg muscles ache like hell....ouch...and by the time i reach there, i was sweating like a water fountain...sigh...hope i get used to it...

Timetable was posted online and we have to log in everyday to see the changes...haiz...(thy oways change the time)....due to tat , i think i missed quite a few lectures and also start running around the campus coz i got lost...lucky tat it was only malaysian studies...haha.. :P. Second week came....the lecturers start throwing everything they had against us....and so....assignments, assignments and more assignments...sometimes i really feel lazy to do it. I also got to learn a new subject....programming in c++ which i found it quite...interesting.....but i have a feeling tat i'm not gonna enjoy it....haha...

At the end of the day, classes end at around 4.30 to 5pm....so....cycle all the way back again....hopefully things are gonna get better for me...coz every tomorrow is a better day for me... ^_^

A new beginning...

2009-03-08T04:30:00.000-07:00

Finally....i am going to further my studies after 1 whole year of...umm...fooling around? no la...actually i went doin a lot of jobs....which i think had helped me gained a lot of experience...hope tat it can help me in the future...hehe...

Orientatin week at Curtin was quite fun actually...many games and events happen...I had made a lot of nice new friends...really a bunch of good people...haha...by the time then, we oredi formed a new "gang"....hey hey..dun think negative ah....haha..i can't explain everything here..maybe this pictures will help... ^_^

Hihi..new here...

2009-02-26T04:09:00.000-08:00

Finally...i'm here...oways had an idea of publishing a blog...but lazy..ok..none of that matters now...haha...now that i'm here, let me introduce myself...my full name is Leong kar lun...the official name given to me by my parents on 14/12/1990...my frens gave me quite a lot of nicknames...back in junior school..they use to call me "karlun-balloon"...of course that was during when i was a kid...on high school...i earn the nickname "kalong" by our respected add maths teacher....since then, everyone called me by that name which i find it quite annoying...but as i graduated high school...i longed for my frens to call me that again...sigh...such good frens i had back then...as i entered the national service...my roommates started to call me "kalang" regardless of my futile efforts to teach them to pronounce my name correctly...I will always laugh whenever i think of all the good and bads i had with my frens in my teen years...thanks...I really treasure my our friendship...

Well, i was quite a sensitive and a hotheaded person back then...which made me think that most of my peers dislike me...as i entered my 16th year living on this world...a really good teacher came into my life and changed me.She made me realised that some things that i may have overlooked in my life..since then, i dare say i have changed for the better...once again, thank you teacher...I am also a guy that is quite moody...my mood changes from minute to minute...i also don't understand myself...If i hang out with my best buddies around...they will know...for i am a guy who talks a lot of unlogical and crap things...but..well i know they enjoy listening to it =)....if i don't know you well...i will ignore you completely (as if you are invisible) and will appear as quite a cold hearted guy( which makes most people think that i'm a snob)...well...actually i'm NOT =S

I spend most of my time playing basketball...(dunno train so hard for what)...well, i suppose thats the only form i can express myself...It gives me a feeling of...freedom...i know that most of you reading this now may think i am a freak..well you guys have your own thinking...so think what you want..haha.. =) At night...i like to sit by my balcony watching stars in the sky...for once, i really appreaciate what God had given to us...i will watch em till my music dozes me to sleepiness...

Well...i think thats all bout me...for a start =)