help......

its been almost 2 years since i last blogged. oh well, im back right now. for my 2nd year in my degree had not been smooth. but i will give in all my effort to finish this course and , i will never give up for my future. my blog titled help . yes. help. why help....because at this very moment, i really really miss you. i think i nvr missed a person this much in my life. its been almost 2 years when you left, and its been this 2 years i have been missing you. no other girl seem to be as important as you to me. but what breaks my heart is that everything had been taking a path down recently. had not heard from you in this 6 months. wonder how are you and how have you been doing. wanted to contact you but my heavy heart is telling me not to do so. nvr felt so frustrated in my life. sometimes i would take a long drive in the lonely night , just to clear my mind. many times, i told myself to get over you but it didnt seem to be that way. my emotions had calmed down in this 2 years, but i still think of you a little every day and alot when i felt sad. i knw you may not know this but, i am a fool. yes. a fool for loving you. have you forgotten about me? perhaps its better for all of this to be forgotten and let it be a memory blown into the sea.....

FML....

semester starts again....timetable's a mess...groupmates got saparated to different classes...i dunno whether to laugh or cry....but perhaps the most obvious change is that..............sighs..not gonna say it...at this moment, i feel like a fool....starting to sleep late at night and get up early in the morning....I fear i will lose all my feelings...perhaps...numbing your own feelings isnt the best way to solve your problems...im beginning to think that this silence in me isnt so bad after all.....until i look at my pathetic self in the mirror....and feel sad...somehow , i think the older i get...less happiness exists in me....many people said that i seldom smile...seldom go to friend's gatherings...whatever events....what has become of me? why do i let this feeling torture me again and again? i said i'll forget but, why do i always think of it? I cant feel happy...i cant be happy....maybe its best i bury myself inside my studies...i begin to feel that this sadness is etching deeper and deeper.....i'll pick myself up and move on....like a souless man walking down the streets...no aim in life, no confidence, no happiness, no goals.......just wandering around aimlessly...fuck you all who says that im a fool, stupid.....remember this, you arent in my shoes...so just shut the fuck up....

life goes on....

she left yesterday...same time, i went for my supp exam...sat for my paper...but the image of her crosses my mind each time....the fact i tried to shake that feeling off, but i cant seem to...i knw i lost concentration...but i managed to answer all the ques...hoping to pass it...after exam, i felt much relived but when i took a walk around campus, those feelings came back again. i could see her walking with her frens, walking down the corridor...reality awoke me...she's gone...i couldnt bear to walk around much longer, i went home straight...i didnt eat breakfast , lunch, dinner yesterday....i didnt eat again today...i really dont have the appetite to eat...i felt helpless...couldnt do anything...but to sit there...stare at the wall...and think...i feel souless, thrs nothing in me...nothing at all...i tried very hard to suppress the feeling of breaking down..but i guessed i failed....went to the beach again....sat on the log watching sunset...looking at the sky, feel the cold wind blowing my hair...i didnt feel any better.... im tired..really really tired...the moment i opened my eyes today....i thought of her....i think i drank enough...even if i drink...i couldnt forget...the pain and sadness seem to double...tears will keep falling down and wake up the next day with headache...God, are you punishing me...or just testing me? i am weak, for i dont have the strength to face all this...Im sorry...really really sorry...I knw i am useless...perhaps, im too stubborn, dont wanna let go and insist of repairing the pieces of glass that had already broken...but i got myself hurt in the end....everything will change....for the better or for the worst? i do not know....I am still holding onto the rope....and wont let go....

Pain~...

january 21...8.36pm...
i went downtown today...as i walked past a shop, i saw a snoopy dog holding a baseball bat...It reminds me of you again....i recalled my fren telling me, 'what is the point of buying it? you know it will never reach her? and when she's gone, how? if you buy it and it never goes to her, all you could do is only keep it...as time goes by, the more you stare at it, the sadder you get...if you havent buy it, better dont coz it will only pain yourself....' only then, i realised, i am unable to lie or cheat myself any longer...i told myself i could let go and forget, but i am unable...
my best brother told me to get over it...easy to say , difficult to do...as my heart pains again, its that very moment i feel that i cant even gasp for air...facing this feelings alone , and yet using a happy and smiling attitude to face ppl is really torturing...really hurts....sometimes, i wished that a group of ppl would just come and beat me up badly so that i would lost memory...i have no more mood for anything...i can only use time to pick up my pieces of heart....what fucking hurts me is that, i realised i was having feelings for her, but she had none for me....i knew this is the truth....i dont know what to do anymore...

Disappointment...

I dont know how to express my feelings now. heartbroken, sad, disappointed. I finally asked you today. A 'no' was the answer given to me...I know its not your fault. maybe i was the one with too much feelings. now my heart really really hurts....its like a knife piercing through it...I couldn't stop the pain...damn wanted to cry but, i couldnt...no tears came out...I was unable to do anything...i dont know how long this pain is goin to last...i'll try to stand up again...i tried very hard not to think abt it, i cant...

If times stops...

12.1.10.....its been a long time since i blog...mainly because i was too busy i think..
from today, leaves a total of 36 days before you leave. i really dunno wat to do...all i do is to think about you...didnt have much appetite to eat...slept late just to stay up and chat with you. although i cant see you, i still felt happy just by chatting. I did say out my true feelings but your reaction was just...like normal...but i think i could sense a little bit of happiness in you. i thought i didnt regret by saying it out before you leave, but i was wrong...this sadness still comes...i went to the beach last week just to scream my voice out. i threw stones into the sea as far as my strength could carry it...i freaking punch the sand repeatedly...until all the other people though i was mad...why is fate so cruel to me? fight fate, i told myself.....In the end, i could not, simply because i was a human...sometimes i just wanted sleep all day, because as long as i was awake, i would think about you...think about you gonna leave...my heart hurts like mad. i could not care less about other things and suddenly they dont seem so important anymore. how and why this happens? , i dont know...I will always remember the 1st time i saw you smile...a smile that is different than most of the others, a smile that is so natural...I never felt so helpless before in my life...i hate myself for being so weak...i let this sadness torture me, over and over and over again, until i had lost the willpower to resist it.the only thing i could do, is to wish you good luck and stay in happiness over there. campus is going to reopen soon...studies is going to begin soon...but maybe what memories remain here, was never meant to be...you will always remain in my memory...

so little time, yet so much to say....

you are leaving soon...another month and i wont be seeing you again.......what more an i say?...why must this always happen?...its not easy to get this feel....and yet...you are going away....is it so difficult to like a person?...to the time i wanted to tell you..., my fren took a step ahead of me....i backed off and waited...and now, upon hearing you are going away...my heart is broken before it could even touch the ground....what is there to do anymore?....i wanna tell you...but my mouth seems heavy...I like you.....