Pain~...

january 21...8.36pm...
i went downtown today...as i walked past a shop, i saw a snoopy dog holding a baseball bat...It reminds me of you again....i recalled my fren telling me, 'what is the point of buying it? you know it will never reach her? and when she's gone, how? if you buy it and it never goes to her, all you could do is only keep it...as time goes by, the more you stare at it, the sadder you get...if you havent buy it, better dont coz it will only pain yourself....' only then, i realised, i am unable to lie or cheat myself any longer...i told myself i could let go and forget, but i am unable...
my best brother told me to get over it...easy to say , difficult to do...as my heart pains again, its that very moment i feel that i cant even gasp for air...facing this feelings alone , and yet using a happy and smiling attitude to face ppl is really torturing...really hurts....sometimes, i wished that a group of ppl would just come and beat me up badly so that i would lost memory...i have no more mood for anything...i can only use time to pick up my pieces of heart....what fucking hurts me is that, i realised i was having feelings for her, but she had none for me....i knew this is the truth....i dont know what to do anymore...

Disappointment...

I dont know how to express my feelings now. heartbroken, sad, disappointed. I finally asked you today. A 'no' was the answer given to me...I know its not your fault. maybe i was the one with too much feelings. now my heart really really hurts....its like a knife piercing through it...I couldn't stop the pain...damn wanted to cry but, i couldnt...no tears came out...I was unable to do anything...i dont know how long this pain is goin to last...i'll try to stand up again...i tried very hard not to think abt it, i cant...

If times stops...

12.1.10.....its been a long time since i blog...mainly because i was too busy i think..
from today, leaves a total of 36 days before you leave. i really dunno wat to do...all i do is to think about you...didnt have much appetite to eat...slept late just to stay up and chat with you. although i cant see you, i still felt happy just by chatting. I did say out my true feelings but your reaction was just...like normal...but i think i could sense a little bit of happiness in you. i thought i didnt regret by saying it out before you leave, but i was wrong...this sadness still comes...i went to the beach last week just to scream my voice out. i threw stones into the sea as far as my strength could carry it...i freaking punch the sand repeatedly...until all the other people though i was mad...why is fate so cruel to me? fight fate, i told myself.....In the end, i could not, simply because i was a human...sometimes i just wanted sleep all day, because as long as i was awake, i would think about you...think about you gonna leave...my heart hurts like mad. i could not care less about other things and suddenly they dont seem so important anymore. how and why this happens? , i dont know...I will always remember the 1st time i saw you smile...a smile that is different than most of the others, a smile that is so natural...I never felt so helpless before in my life...i hate myself for being so weak...i let this sadness torture me, over and over and over again, until i had lost the willpower to resist it.the only thing i could do, is to wish you good luck and stay in happiness over there. campus is going to reopen soon...studies is going to begin soon...but maybe what memories remain here, was never meant to be...you will always remain in my memory...